My Mother’s Death: Part 2 My Reaction

Being exiled from my own family and shunned, I had already done a lot of my mourning and grieving.  But I was still hit with emotions.

Though I’d like to make it clear, I have no regrets on staying no contact until the end.  I don’t know if she was even still conscious by the time I was notified.  I know, based on past experience that she can’t be trusted not to hurt me any chance she gets.  She enjoyed it.  When she realized a nasty comment or one of her tantrums hit the mark, she would get this gleam in her eye and a smirk on her face.

During her 2 attempted waltz back ins and rugsweeps, I thought about what if this is the last chance I have to have contact with her before she died.  Due to the past and continued cruel and mean behavior and her disregard for my boundaries, I decided it would be counter to my healing to engage with her.

When I got the news that she died, I felt a little more sadness than I anticipated.  I felt the anticipated amount of I wish things had been different and we had a better relationship.  But over the years and the many 2nd chances I gave her, I knew I’d done my part.  Estrangement only takes one.  Forgiveness, if that is what you want to do as a survivor, only takes one.  Reconciliation takes two.  My mother was unable or unwilling to reconcile.

I knew I would probably feel relief, but it surprised me how much relief I felt.  It felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.

My Mother’s Death Part I: The Notification

I’ve been estranged from my narcissistic mother for nearly 9 years.  The no contact was initially her choice.  She tried to waltz back in a couple of times like nothing ever happened.  I black holed it the first time.  The second time, I was brutally honest.

So earlier this month, I was working from home on a Friday evening and a phone number rang up from her area code on my cell phone.  I almost answered, but I didn’t want to be caught off guard by her or any of her flying monkeys.  So I let it go to voice mail.

It was my step father saying she was in bad shape.  My mother has previously exaggerated both physical and emotional problems to get people back into the fold, so I thought it best to proceed slowly.

I thought about if I should respond and if so how.  I didn’t want to be forced into direct contact with her.  There was no way I was giving her another chance to hurt me or to cast me as the bad person if I got angry if she provoked me.

I gave it a couple of hours of thought and texted the following at 8pm

Thank you for reaching out. It is sad to hear mom is not doing well. I do not want to make things more difficult for either of you during such an emotional and stressful time. I need to balance that with respect for my own boundaries.

Can you text me the diagnosis or condition?

Thanks again for reaching out.

Continue reading “My Mother’s Death Part I: The Notification”

What is your B Monster (inner protective monster) like?

What is your b monster like?
A friend’s social media post inspired me. It was along the lines of the nicer you are, the more people hurt you, so be an a-hole. As I was typing, I got inspired about what my b monster would look like and say. My initial thought was try to avoid the a-holes, but of course then the person trying to set reasonable boundaries becomes the bad guy/gal.   Here’s the reply comment I wrote and also incorporated with my own social media status.
 
Or try to avoid a-holes. Of course, then they play victim and you’re the evil b monster for daring to set boundaries.
 
Took me a long time to get there, but I’m ok with being the evil b monster. The b could stand for b**** or boundary. And it could be a Jim Henson Muppet like persona.
 
I think mine would be either purple, red or green or maybe a combo of purple and green. Sort of like Barney and The Hulk, but in a muppet form.  Maybe part Oscar the Grouch.  I could picture it when I need to stand up to someone.
 
It would be cute and fluffy most of the time, like say Elmo or Cookie monster. But instead of saying cookie, it would say “boundaries”. And if it’s anything like me when I’m angry, it would say the F word a lot.
 
So what does your b monster look like and how does it behave?

Death of an Estranged Parent, Long Time, No Blog

I had stopped writing before because I felt I didn’t have a lot more to say.  I also went through a very difficult neighbor situation, she was threatening and eventually violent.  Around the same time, I was laid off from my job as the company wasn’t doing well and had to find another job.   I apologize for not responding to the comments from then sooner and I will be going through them.  Both of those situations have improved a lot.

My likely narcissist mother died earlier this month.  I regret that things weren’t different so that there wasn’t an estrangement.  I DO NOT REGRET protecting myself and refusing to submit myself to additional abuse.  I have had to deal with some flying monkeys, but other than that, I’m doing ok all things considered.  I have a lot to process now and I’ll be writing about it.

Faux/Forced Forgiveness

Ok, as some of you may know, I’m not all that fond of the “forgiveness police” who decide it’s up to them to dictate to the people who have been wronged as to how and when to forgive. Or that people should forget or give people multiple second chances to people who will prove time and tim again and again and again that they will only kick you in the teeth pretty much every chance they get. That said, I think the most recent episode of American Horror Story: Asylum did an excellent job of illustrating the pitfalls of faux/forced forgiveness. Don’t read any more of this if you haven’t watched this episode, as it contains spoilers Continue reading “Faux/Forced Forgiveness”