Faux/Forced Forgiveness

Ok, as some of you may know, I’m not all that fond of the “forgiveness police” who decide it’s up to them to dictate to the people who have been wronged as to how and when to forgive. Or that people should forget or give people multiple second chances to people who will prove time and tim again and again and again that they will only kick you in the teeth pretty much every chance they get. That said, I think the most recent episode of American Horror Story: Asylum did an excellent job of illustrating the pitfalls of faux/forced forgiveness. Don’t read any more of this if you haven’t watched this episode, as it contains spoilers

For those who watch the show, Leigh is the perfect example of the faux forgiveness type. He takes no responsibility for what he’s done. When asked about killing 18 people on Christmas, his reply is “Christmas of 1962 was a bad time for me” He babbles on about repentance and how he sent 18 people to heaven sooner and will apologize to them when he gets to heaven. He takes no responsibility for what he’s done and ensnares a sensitive, forgiving priest into his web. He uses the holy sacrament of baptism (because he’s repented, etc, he’s being baptized) as lure to attempt to drown the priest. He literally crucifies the priest until the Angel of Death shows up to offer to release him to his suffering (we’ll see after the New Year what his response is).

In contrast, Sister Jude/aka Judy Martin is hardly sympathetic. She hit a little girl while drunk and left her to die in the road. She’s taken pleasure in torturing vulnerable people and committing sane people to an asylum. Yet, after her ordeal, she makes a true apology to Lana. She wants to right the wrong by getting Lana out of the asylum she has wrongly put her in She also is accepting of Lana’s hesitation to trust her. She doesn’t tell Lana she’s cruel or mean or unforgiving or controlling or holding onto the past when Lana lets her know she’ll have to make amends.

Sister Jude/Judy Martin has several key characteristics of someone who is actually sorry for what she’s done. She:

1) acknowledges the wrong

2) seeks to make amends for it

3) accepts that the forgiveness needs to be on the terms of the person wronged, not her terms, not on third party terms.

In contrast, Leigh accepts no responsibility what he has done, tells the gullible or those who don’t know any better what they want to hear. Like the sociopath he is, he goes merrily along his way sowing chaos and destruction while the well meaning Father Timothy has been utterly destroyed and perhaps about to die. Beware the sociopaths who walk among us. Some of us are related to them or married to people related to them

8 thoughts on “Faux/Forced Forgiveness

  1. My family has finally “gotten it” about my sister -she has tormented, smeared, and generally screwed with me and my sibling’s lives for decades. Most recently she has succeeded in robbing my parent’s house of items that were supposed to be sold and the proceeds split among all of us after my father died and my mother went to residential care. She thinks we are all too stupid to realize WHAT she really is- a sociopath. We have written her off, she is dead to us. We know if we accept her back into our good graces “after the dust settles” that she will bring more chaos, hate and strife to those of us left. These people are complete and unredeemable monsters.

  2. I think that after all is said and done the idea that forgiving a person who has done nothing but hurt you is the SINGLE most idiotic idea to arrive on planet earth. you CAN’T forgive a person who uses pain and fear to control others because they don’t WANT you to “forgive” them, they want control over you. saying I accept your forgiveness would be equalizing. no narcissist is capable of reciprocity, the very idea is an insult. whatever a narcissist wins they don’t want, only what they have FORCED, whether it is positive negative or null. it is a pointless and self defeating psychology, one that shouldn’t be tolerated, period. The narcissisit can be counted on to use his good points like candy, depriving anyone of his valuable affections when they “misbehave”. I had a boyfriend who admitted he was having long term affairs with multiple people and after the fact instead of being sheepish around me or uncomfortable began scrutinizing MY behavior. it wasn’t enough to admit to his lifestyle, which he said by the way , was “none of my business”, he then had to make it seem
    Like I personally was the disgusting inconsiderate pig whereas he himself is a loving and kind individual. My mother and father are the same and my brother is now showing signs. Of course I am
    Attracted to narcissistic men. And of course I have to tell you the MINUTE a serious serious offense has been committed AND confronted the narc will hasten to double back for another round of character assassination at YOUR expense. Don’t EVER tolerate this pattern. the first time you notice that questioning a narc about their behavior leads them
    To examine YOUR life with a fine toothed comb, Decide to refuse to interact. You will be saving yourself a WORLD of trouble. Btw, te narc won’t be so polite as to discuss things wih you that you do to him or her, no. He will have no problem with how it is you are with him, unless of course you show empathy, he may attack you then because narcissists cannot STAND love or displays of affection. They respond to them
    Yes but mostly see them as attacks.
    Most narcs will question your behavior with OTHERS.
    Why did you steal money from
    My purse???

    Narc replies, you were a bitch to Sheila at the office last week…

    if you have a narc parent you probably won’t notice the incongruency …
    You are asking a personal question not conducting an interrogation but to the narc questions of any kinds are threats to his or her authority. How DARE you question me????
    your average narc is a skilled manipulator and won’t allow you to see this about him or her until he or she perceives that you are “trapped”. If and when this happens to you, walk away the FIRST time. My narc lured me into a date with him that I put off for maybe seven months. I made the mistake of sleeping with him on the first night because we were young and we knew each other and were also friends. I wanted to know what the sex would be like. Narc, morning after, did I tell you about my baby??? Not like, expecting that I would be pissed and worried about how I would feel, but sharing exciting news. I was so confused and humiliated that I never caught on and eleven years later and surrounded by narcs I finally reAlzie the pattern.
    They are unrepentant and will do and say just about Anything and when cornered will resort to physical violence.
    Other people will tell you what “good” people they are because they make a special point of insisting upon “fairness and equality” everywhere they go, especially if there is somethjng In it for them… beware and stay away or you will find yourself apologizing for things like your weight loss green skin sickness and horrible mood, to whxih the narcissist will reply, I don’t want you to apologize to me. They are fuxking evil monsters. And no they won’t simply destroy themselves. They will live the lives that most people only wish they had while depriving everyone else if the toe health happiness security and ambitions and when it is all said and done their lifespan may very well outlast those around them because they feed on people …

  3. I agree about “forgiveness police”, and the conditions under which forgiveness is safe to give, possible, and feels good to you, and only you can decide these things. I don’t agree with forgiveness as necessarily being a virtue, or negatively affecting ones’ life if not given. What is negatively affecting ones’ life is what the criminal or offending party has done to the victim. It hurts me every time a forgiveness nut tries to push their “religion” on me in that way.

    1. Agreed, the self appointed forgiveness police revictimize people. I think for forgiveness to be of any use to a survivor, the person must freely choose it on their own. And it’s ok if they don’t choose it. The abuser should have thought about not being forgiven before they abused.

  4. What I wish to say to those nutcases is, “Is your child dead, or is your child’s life destroyed? No? You’ve never been through that? Then shut up, you insensitive idiot! I don’t want to EVER hear that word FORGIVENESS again, EVER. Get away from me, or I will get a restraining order. Get a real education, you moron.”

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