I woke up at 3:30 this morning from a dream. I felt a strong sense of both grief and panic upon awakening. The dream was about a brother who’d lost a sister. But I didn’t recognize the brother. He wasn’t anyone I knew, he wasn’t anyone famous. He didn’t even look like the young tourist guy I was helping with directions during my commute home, which would have made sense in that dream omelette sort of way.
There was even a narrative voiceover in my dream from this brother. There was someone very awkwardly comforting him, almost as if he was afraid to comfort him (didn’t recognize him either). The brother’s grief was prompted by something he saw on his ipod which reminded him of his sister. This was around the part where I started waking up and I remember thinking why can’t feelings be like the information screen of songs on digital music players? Clearly labeled and organized so you know what they are, where they came from and when?
The weird thing is that’s what first hit me about the dream. The ipod and the organization of feelings. Which I think represents how detached I am from my feelings and how I want them to be organized. Then it hit me about the grief. In some ways, I’m still grieving the loss of my brother through estrangement, though the worst is over. Even in my dreams, I’m removed from my strong emotion. I’m not dreaming about myself grieving, probably because that would be too direct of a connection. I changed the gender of the griever and the people are completely unfamiliar to me. Not only that, the voiceover narration provides additional detachment.
I’m getting better at surveying how I’m physically feeling. I woke up sweating and warm. We’re having really nice brisk fall nights here. Which should be perfect for sleeping. My thought was that it must have become warmer and/or since I’m in my mid 40s, I may be getting close to menopause. I kicked off the covers and changed from long pajama bottoms to short ones, tops are short sleeved most of the year. But at around 4 am after I’d analyzed this dream a bit and realized some of the message it had for me, I noticed I’d cooled off to the point where I was cold. Changed back into the long pajama bottoms and got back under the covers. Still wasn’t quite ready to drift off back to sleep so I decided to write about this here so I wouldn’t forget. I was hesitant because I thought the light from the computer would wake me up more, but I think worrying I’ll forget the dream/what it meant is keeping me from sleeping.
Here’s hoping to some sleep before the alarm goes off at 5:45 🙂 No wonder I have insomnia. If the feelings won’t come out during the day, they’ll come out at night.