I Was a Normal Kid . . .

I ended up talking with my therapist about seeing a boy & his mom leaving the dentist and some of the reprocessing of things from my own childhood.    I also showed him some photos from my childhood and my parents wedding.  In most of the photos I have, my mother is physically away from me and/or looking away from me.  I wanted to know if I was reading my own feelings about our mother/daughter relationship into it or if it was something others could see.   He confirmed that he noticed it in several of the pictures and I wasn’t imagining it.  He also said, “you were a normal kid” (going by things like my expressions/demeanor in the photos). and that it was my family which was messed up.

I also brought a wedding photo of my parents  because it’s how I figured out my parents lied to me about when they were married.  The date they gave me was 5 months before the date they actually got married.  When I saw paperwork about the date, I asked my mom about it.  I was somewhere between 12-14, don’t recall the exact age.  She lied and told me it was the date the Navy considered their marriage official.

I accepted that.  Then I saw the photo of their wedding.  My dad was wearing a white uniform.  Which was standard for summer, not winter.  No one was wearing coats even though it supposedly took place during a cold month, near where we live.  Two of the women were in sleeveless dresses (my aunt and a friend of my mother’s).  My grandmother was in a short sleeved dress.  The date stamped on the photo is one month after the date on the document and 6 months after the date I was originally told.  Who waits 6 months to develop their wedding pictures?  That’s something people want to see right away (these were taken by friends/family members, not a professional photographer.  Back before digital, we used to take photos of ordinary day stuff after a big event to finish up the film so we could develop it.  Why would they wait 6 months?

Yet despite this photo which confirmed everything I thought, I disbelieved what I saw until a relative confirmed it for me.  I have a very difficult time trusting my own instincts.    The thing is I have pretty good instincts.  Within in the last year, I sensed something was up with 2 major changes for work.  And within the last couple of months,  I sensed something was off with someone I considered a friend and the course of action a doctor was taking on a health issue (fortunately not serious).

But I doubted my own instincts until they were confirmed.  One of my goals is to trust my instincts more and act on them.

4 thoughts on “I Was a Normal Kid . . .

  1. I know how you feel- trusting myself is now my main goal.
    I have excellent instincts, but because of my NPD family I always second guess myself. Which is crazy because as the scapegoat I always had to do everything by myself with no support. But also as the scapegoat, everything was always my fault.

    Trust your insticts!

  2. I was a normal kid too! I just didn’t know it at the time. It’s our NPD families that are abnormal. I agree with Roxy, trust your instincts, they are probably right on. Like Roxy, I second guess myself constantly, only to find out I was right all along on many things. But, because the family dynamic was “all my fault” it’s hard to have faith in my own perception. I love your blog, I recently resigned from my own scapegoat role in my family.

  3. I understand about not trusting instincts, too. Perhaps on some level, we were made to deny our own reality in favor of the N’s version of the world for our own survival. Or maybe it was to tamp down the anxiety of secretly knowing that we could not trust those who were supposed to care for us…I dunno. All I know is it comes as a shock each and every time it turns out my instincts were right. It goes against my role in the family – I was never supposed to be right about anything.

    It’s great you’re making it a goal to trust and follow your instincts more often. Good luck.

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