Whenthescapegoatquits's Blog

A Blog about scapegoat recovery & daughters of narcissistic mothers

Christmas Contact

Posted by whenthescapegoatquits on December 19, 2011

I actually thought I could relax this December as likely NPD/possibly BPD mother aka Batty Poo hasn’t attempted contact the previous 2 Decembers. The last contact we had was about 2 and a half years ago when she had surgery and I sent her get well wishes. This was about 2-3 weeks after the blow up with bro & SIL because I apparently didn’t offer sufficient maternal worship. Which she ignored, choosing to side with them.

Well, she emailed me last week, with of course, no acknowledgement of anything: 

[step-dad’s name] and I are updating our wills and I need your social security number for the forms. Please send it at your convenience.

Thanks,
Mom

Translation: I’m going to try and worm my way back into your life without acknowledging my crappy treatment of you. You normally fall for it, but just in case you don’t, I’ll plant a seed that one of us may be ill, hence the will updating. Let’s see if you fall for it Charlie Brown, ooops meant [exscapegoat’s real name]

–Lucy

She already has it/the lawyer has it from asking when we were in contact.  And quite frankly, I really don’t care about the will or money from it.  When we were on good terms, I told her I hope she & my stepdad spend it all on fun vacations. 
 
I don’t look at a parent’s money/property as being “mine” when they die.  It’s up to them to do what they want with it.   And I’ve learned anything she’s willing to give comes at a very high emotional price with strings.   
 
I’m not going to respond.  But I’ve been angry on and off since I got the email.  I was angriest the day I got it.  I simmered down and was doing well for a few days but for some reason, I just got angry again last night, but not as intensely. Trying to sort out why.  Because I just need to let this go.  I’ve had a  few passive-aggressive status updates on Facebook the day I got the email & last night.  I deleted them and I feel stupid & immature.  But then I remind myself, I DIDN”T F***IN START this crap!!  They did with the cut off.  And now that I finally have some peace, serenity & equilibrium, she tries to f*** with it.  Well, fa la la f***in’ la!   
 
It’s ok that I’m human and after being f***ed with for the umpteenth time by Batty Poo melted down a bit. 
 
I’m concerned.  I’m spending Christmas Day with relatives from her side, though I have back up plans if things get bad.  If she does have a terminal illness my reaction would be to write something like, “I forgive you.  I hope you find peace in this life and the next.”    And leave it at that.  I wouldn’t tell her how I never want to see her face or hear her voice again because that would just be cruel.  But it would be cruel to me to re-establish contact with her and expose myself to more abuse.  I think the language I wrote would be a fair compromise. 
 
Also, I’ve responded to all of her past attempts at reconciliation.  I don’t know how she’ll react to a non-response.  I don’t know if she’s going to ramp things up.  I  hope not.
 
I created a BattyPoo folder and put her email in there.  If she sends any more or any of her enablers/apologists/flying monkeys do, I will create a filter and put them there automatically.
 
Sheesh, just when you thought it was safe to celebrate Christmas.  And no, just because it’s Christmas doesn’t mean crappy parents get a “get out of  jail” card.  My feelings on it are, if you (general you, not the reader)  wanted to be surrounded by loving, adoring adult children in your old age, you shouldn’t have been an abusive a***hole. 
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5 Responses to “Christmas Contact”

  1. “My feelings on it are, if you (general you, not the reader) wanted to be surrounded by loving, adoring adult children in your old age, you shouldn’t have been an abusive a***hole.”

    Right on! For what it’s worth, I think anger is the appropriate response when your boundaries are being violated. Anger, and deliberately acting in your own best interest.

  2. Hopeful at last said

    You just made me laugh out loud!!! Sorry you have to deal with all of this (of course!) but very heartening to know that someone out there TRULY understands!!!! Take good care of you and hope the “flying monkeys and BattyPoo” stay away! Merry Christmas!
    I’m dreading it because I haven’t fully cut the ties….but every year, month, minute…it’s getting closer to happening!!!!!!!!!
    Will keep reading now that I’ve, happily, discovered your blog!
    A fellow sufferer who is committed to not letting “them” tarnish the rest of my life.

  3. Holy Moley! Like you need this. I am SO sorry that there is THIS in your face.

    Been there, done that and I applaud you for thinking ahead to her death. Mine just died and because of the support in BlogLand, I was able to say “I forgive you” and it was the right thing to do. I thought I was doing it for her BUT it turns out I did it for me. weird.

    I say go with the Back Up Plan. Why risk craziness?

    You have courage and honesty and the truth on your side; you won’t lose.

    Peace and Take Care of YOU,

    Jen

    • whenthescapegoatquits said

      My thoughts are with you. I know how difficult her death must have been for you. And I know the abuse must have complicated the grieving process. Hope you are doing whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.

  4. a new direction said

    My first thought is she is the one who got your SSN# as a child, I’m assuming so she should already have it. The attempts they make is amazing especially since it’s this time of year & there has been no contact. It will always be about control.

    Well, I’ve established contact again with my NM. It was not by choice. She showed up at my house unannounced to end the freeze out. I will be talking to her again but I am more educated now than ever about how this disease will play out in my life if I let it. Christmas was the norm as usual at her house. GC sister behaving rudely as usual & no one calls her out on her bad behavior. It’s been like this since I was a child. Now I see my bro-in-laws role in this madness too & he doesn’t have the guts to call her out on her bad behavior. He’s just like my dad was in this madness. My sister’s behavior really bothered my husband but now that I recognize it, I could care less. She’s only hurting herself by isolating herself & does not understand she is mentally ill.

    Anyway, hope you had a peaceful day. I did even though the madness was still there. It was a new personal feat for me to not let it get to me like in years past.

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