During my therapy appointment this past week, we revisited the estrangement. We talked about the inconsistency of how the rages my mother directed to me were treated and how I was treated when I expressed rage for bad treatment by my brother & sister-in-law after repeatedly trying to address things more diplomatically.
My therapist’s take on it was that I wasn’t necessarily wrong to resort to rage. I felt it was. We debated this back and forth for a good part of the session.
This weekend I was returning from a hair cut. I wasn’t 100% familiar with the neighborhood. Also, I have visual spatial processing issues which lead me to get lost easily. The normal route was under construction. So was an alternate. My GPS is malfunctioning and won’t charge a battery. I got a little bit lost, even inadvertently ran a red light. Fortunately, there was no traffic in the other direction, so there was no injury or near miss or even inconvenience to other drivers.
I had to do a difficult highway maneuver of driving across several lanes of traffic quickly to get to where I needed to be. Yet, I managed to do it. I started beating myself up, telling myself what a f**king idiot I was, how I couldn’t do anything right. Then I started reasoning with myself. I have a hard time with directions. And not just one route was blocked by construction, so was the alternate route I would take.
Then it dawned on me, I was “raging” at myself by calling myself a f**king idiot. I just spent the better part of a therapy session talking about how it wasn’t right when I did it to my mother and brother, it wasn’t right when my mother did it to me. Why then, is it ok for me to do it to myself? It’s not! I deserve not to be raged at, just like my brother & SIL don’t deserve to be raged at.
I need to start treating myself as well as I treat others.