Whenthescapegoatquits's Blog

A Blog about scapegoat recovery & daughters of narcissistic mothers

Taking Stock 2 Years Out

Posted by whenthescapegoatquits on May 20, 2011

The estrangement happened in a period of 2 weeks following my brother’s wedding where I was excluded/ostracized from many of the things siblings are traditionally included in.  Background can be found here.  This month marks the second anniversary of the events which set the estrangement in motion.

The first year was marked by relief at not having to put up with my mother’s nonsense any more and anger at my brother & SIL for their behavior.  The second has been marked by sadness over the loss of the relationship with my brother and not getting to know/meet my niece.  I thought I’d be sadder as the 2nd anniversary of these events has rolled around, but I’m not.  I’m sure I’ll still have my moments of sadness and anger, but I’m finally starting to feel some sense of acceptance and peace about all of this. 

I went back and read the emails my brother & I exchanged.  What strikes me is I was taking far more of the responsibility than I should have.  Typical scapegoat/doormat behavior. 

I didn’t want this kind of damage to my family relationships.  But sadly, these relationships were damaged all along, I just didn’t realize it.   It was the family relationship equivalent of termites slowly eating away at the structural support of a house, until there’s a partial collapse.   I would have preferred fumigation and shoring up the parts of the house which needed reinforced support.  Sadly, that wasn’t possible.   Just as one person would be unable to do all that’s needed to deal with a termite infestation, I couldn’t fix these broken relationships alone.  The other parties weren’t willing to do the fumigation & shoring up, they preferred to let the house fall down around them.  The problem for me was that I was the one getting caught up in the collapse as the structure came down.

The “house” of my relationship with my mother, brother & SIL had to be condemned as unsafe for me and I had to find a new home.  That’s speaking metaphorically as I’ve lived on my own since I was a young adult.

I’ve learned about boundaries and how to assert myself.  I wouldn’t trade that knowledge or insight for anything as it’s already served me well in the brief time I’ve acquired it and will continue to do so.  It may be lonely or sad sometimes, but it’s definitely worthwhile!

Developing a family of choice has helped a lot.  I’ve come to regard some of my friends and some of my extended family as my family.  I’m grateful for them and they’ve made a huge difference.

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5 Responses to “Taking Stock 2 Years Out”

  1. Valerie said

    Happy Anniversary! I want you to know that your blog has helped me tremendously… to put names/words to what has been happening all my life has saved my sanity and given me freedom. I now know that I am not alone and not crazy… they are. Thank you and I hope you treat yourself on your anniversary – you deserve it. 🙂

  2. whenthescapegoatquits said

    Thanks! I’m glad this has been helpful. Reading other blogs helped me immensely at the start of my journey and I’m glad I can “pay it forward”

  3. Quince said

    Once I figured out my mother was a Narcissist it was like the sun finally appeared in the cloudy sky that was my life. Things make so much sense.

    Unlike you though I chose to stay and deny the abuse. This lead to my own substance abuse and OCD which led to my NM having further reason to use me as a scapegoat. My extended family has a VERY low opinion of me as a result. Indeed anyone who ever knew my NM can only say good things about her while casting a disparaging attitude toward me. Can’t blame them, she was very good at portraying herself as a saint.

    My NM developed Parkinsons disease and I stayed with her until she passed. Indeed I was holding her hand when she died and forced myself to tell her she was a good mother.

    I thought that by being there while she was sick, I would heal better. However after reflecting on the situation for a number of years, I have to say I would have been just as well off just removing myself from the situation asap and making a complete break.

    Your blog has helped me greatly, god bless.

    • whenthescapegoatquits said

      I’m glad it’s helped. My first estrangement (both were initiated by my mother, though she tells people otherwise) was when I was 24. The 2nd when I was 43. If I knew then what I know now about Personality Disorders, I would never have reconciled and stuck around for a few more rounds of abuse.

  4. a new direction said

    I have a question…I would like other scapegoats out there to respond as well if they have insight. With the holidays approaching, how have you all dealt with that? I just was released from therapy this week because I feel & my therapist feels I have the tools to fight this continued abuse now. However, I’m tired of doing the right thing. I’ve decided to be low contact but that is a poor definition because they(GC & Narc Mom) are behaving badly & will continue to do so. My therapist & I think I still need to follow through & do the right thing by finding out what their plans are for the holidays. However, why should I? It’s not like they are asking or showing concern about what I’m doing. My therapist gets that they are mentally ill but she thinks that it doesn’t give me the ticket to behave just as badly as they do. I feel I owe it to myself to have this break & enjoy the holidays like I have never before done. Every year has been nothing but stress & a sense of relief when it’s over so I don’t have to be around them. I’ve been married for 10 years & have yet to create my own traditions. This is the first year my husband are not caving into my mother’s demands. It’s a sense of relief. Any thoughts? I’m also curious if there are any low contact peeps out there & how it’s working for you.

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