Whenthescapegoatquits's Blog

A Blog about scapegoat recovery & daughters of narcissistic mothers

Mother’s Day MayDay

Posted by whenthescapegoatquits on May 4, 2011

If I see this !@#$ crap on Facebook one more time, I think I’m going to puke!  Maybe I’ll give myself a Facebook break until Monday.  This charming little meme is going around, don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for people who have good relationships with their moms, it’s the bolded part I object to:

REPOST IN HONOR OF MOTHER’S DAY:In honor of Mother’s Day I’m trying to see how many of you are willing to change your profile picture to a picture of your mother and keep it there till May 9. I did and so have several others. If you will and like this idea, please repost this as your status so everyone gets the word and see how many beautiful mothers we can get on Facebook♥♥♥ my momma is beautiful!

F*** that noise!!!!!  It’s  hard enough to deal with a holiday honoring mothers when you have an abusive one, why do people feel the need to try and add more pressure to us?  We have enough reminders during May, thank you very much!!!  What the f*** business of it is yours if I don’t post a photo of that nasty piece of work?  But I didn’t reply that, just told the first person I saw that it was a lovely photo of her mom.  But I think I’ll stay off of Facebook ’til Monday so I don’t post what I really think.

Also, I thought about:

  • going with the spirit of the meme and posting photos of the maternal figures in my life.  Such as my stepmom, my great Aunt, my Aunt on my dad’s side who’s explained so much of the craziness and helped me make sense of it  or my friend’s mom or my grandma who died when I was 9.  But how do I choose among 5 such great ladies?  I’m very lucky to have 4 such women in still in my life and the honor of knowing my grandmother.
  • Posting this wonderfully insightful blog entry by Anna Valerious of  Narcissists Suck.
  • Posting my idea for the ambivalent aisle of the greeting card store, called, “thanks for not stabbing me or setting me on fire”.

Or doing my own meme:

REPOST IN HONOR OF F***  HYPOCRISY & DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES’ DAY (herein referred to as FHDFD)  DAY:  In honor of FHDFD I’m trying to see how many of you are willing to change your profile picture to a  family member you’re estranged from  till May 9. I did and so have several others. If you will and like this idea, please repost this as your status so everyone gets the word and see how many people who are willing to call bullshit on this happy family crap  we can get on Facebook♥♥♥ my momma is FUBAR!

Update as of May 5th, I gave in & posted this as my profile without any commentary (Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest).

No More Wire Hangers

Those who know the deal will know what I meant.  Those who don’t will think I’m being ironic/campy

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23 Responses to “Mother’s Day MayDay”

  1. upsi said

    I so agree, and laughed about your counter-meme. I’m hunkering down until it’s over.

  2. Yeah, the Internet is a dangerous place at this time of year. I remember taking a break from Twitter last year because the cloying idealization of motherhood got to me. Fortunately most of my Facebook friends know better than to buy into that guilt-tripping meme.

    In the UK the holiday is officially called Mothering Day, to include all women who mother children, even if they’re not the biological mother. It’s a nice thought but it didn’t take long before somebody started calling it “Smothering Day”… 😉

  3. Permission to post to facebook with minor edits?!!! PLEASE???? Pretty Please?

    • whenthescapegoatquits said

      Go for it! Although, I’d change the hearts to skull & crossbones, I just don’t know how to do it. And maybe a profile photo of Faye Dunaway playing Mommie Dearest, lol! 🙂

  4. PWC said

    Agreed – your counter meme had me laughing.

    It’s great that you had other maternal figures in your life.

    • whenthescapegoatquits said

      Thanks, I think it makes a big difference to have other family figures we can turn to. It’s taken me some time to develop these relationships, but they help a lot.

  5. pinkpearl said

    Anyone else ever hear that thing about why there is no Children’s Day? “Because every day is Children’s Day”? Is that just me?

    Anyway, I was thinking that every day is F*** HYPOCRISY & DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES’ DAY. Or maybe that’s just how it feels when you’re in one.

    • whenthescapegoatquits said

      Oh yeah, we heard that every year. Plus there were often freak outs, because no one could ever do enough. I remember one year, my dad took us out to get gifts & cards for my mom. Bought her a gift from him, flowers and had us making breakfast to bring her breakfast in bed. She started ranting at him because he forget to get her a card from him. He got angry and went for walk. Then she was mad AT HIM for “ruinining Mother’s Day”.

      I know Mother’s Day was hard for her because she lost her mother at 16 and I think that may be part of the holiday freak outs were. But that was somewhere between the first and third Mother’s Day since my dad lost HIS MOM. Yet, he put his sadness aside and did the best to make the day nice for her. And he got the usual kick in the teeth for forgetting a f**kin’ card. Never mind she had cards & gifts from her kids because of him, a gift from him, flowers and he was organizing breakfast in bed for her.

  6. lisa said

    hahaha omg this is hilarious.

  7. tburgh said

    Just finished reading SCAPEGOATING IN FAMILIES: Intergenerational Patterns of Physical and Emotional Abuse by Vimala Pillari, D.S.W. Knew I grew up as the family patsy but having read how the scapegoat family dynamic really plays out, the spell of desperation to fit in has broken. I now see the smoke and mirrors of shame, blame, no-win, “I’m in you’re out” mentality, narcissism, cowardice, et al; I’m wondering why all the effort to be accepted? It is a pitiable group of people. I feel like David slaying the giant. And the giant is just a paper tiger!

    My moment of enlightenment happens to fall on the week of mother’s day. Walked the card isle yesterday and felt sick. No card this year with sentimental pap. Not a fan of powerless sentimentality. Am a big fan of Dr. Phil but for his lollipop and bunnies Americana approach to the value of family. Sometimes it is absolutely necessary to walk away — and de-emotionalize mother’s day.

    • whenthescapegoatquits said

      Yeah, I hear you. A friend of mine’s also estranged from her brother (I’m estranged from my mother, brother & SIL because of my mother’s smear tactics). We were discussing some of their behavior and we came to the conclusion, why are we so upset about not having relationships with these people given their bad behavior? They’re really not worth it. For me, it’s been a long process. I’ve gotten to the point where I accept that intellectually still working on emotionally.

      I had issues with cards long before the estrangement. I used to hate the sappy/syrupy ones. Sometimes I’d pick a blank card with a pretty photo or drawing and write something inside for Mother’s Day. It would seem more “personal” yet I wouldn’t have to lie.

      I agree with family being over-glorified. The surprising thing for me has been, both about this blog and the few selected people I’ve chosen to share the fact that I’m estranged from several family members with, is how common this is and how often it happens. Most of us just don’t talk about it because of how harshly society judges us for it.

  8. Ruth said

    I liked Happy Nurturer’s Day over at Ladyhawk Hollow. http://ladyhawkhollow.blogspot.com/2011/05/thank-goodness-its-sunday-51.html This included those that do not have children but have nurtured and encouraged others. I avoid the card isle the entire month of May. Gave up on cards several years ago. Today I had the bright idea (or maybe not so bright) to create more appropriate cards. Example, Your my mother….Its a day….I am happy to be away from you. But then who would actually want to waste the money?

    • whenthescapegoatquits said

      That’s why I like the idea of a hey, thanks for not stabbing me or setting me on fire line of cards!

  9. tburgh said

    I would like to know when you (and any of your readers) first realized you were cast as the scapegoat. What was the circumstance? What instigated the realization? What did you say or do, if anything, to the family?

    For me it was like consciousness blew the back door out of my perceptions. It was a realization that I’ve carried a perception of myself as “one of them”, but suddenly realizing I’m not like them at all. It’s a redefining of what, exactly, do I believe? It gets multi-layered. False perceptions have to be peeled away layer by layer.

    Any comments?

    • whenthescapegoatquits said

      Sorry for the delay in response. I was getting ready for a vacation and then traveling. I think this is such an excellent question, I’m going to copy what you wrote here into another blog entry and open it up for comment along with my own response.

  10. I remember the first time I saw Mommy Dearest when my college roommate was watching it on TV. My roommate was like: “wow, that lady’s batshit” and I was like: “what are you talking about? it’s perfectly reasonable that Joan got all upset about the hangers. Her daughter should have known better than upset her mom.”

    Um… yah. I really did think that was how the mother/daughter dynamic was supposed to work.

  11. a new direction said

    I think next year this will be my facebook picture. Facebook makes me sick at times too when it comes to day’s like these. I now understand why! I now understand why I used to watch mommie dearest over & over. I think back when it came out on the paid movie channels my brain was trying to correct itself back then. Thanks for the laugh!

    • whenthescapegoatquits said

      As long as there aren’t any flying monkeys/enablers/apologists on your friends list who will go back to her. I’ve blocked/dropped any of the ones she has who know me.

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