Whenthescapegoatquits's Blog

A Blog about scapegoat recovery & daughters of narcissistic mothers

Archive for March, 2011

Some Boundaries almost 2nd Nature, Yay Me!!

Posted by whenthescapegoatquits on March 24, 2011

One of my relatives likes to call at around 10pm or 10:30 on a regular basis.  The latest I ever get up on a workday is 7am.  Usually, it’s closer to 6am or sometimes 5-5:30 am if I’m going to the gym.  Even though I have a really hard time with insomnia, I at least like to try to go to bed somewhere between 10 and 11 pm.  Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Healing & Recovery | 6 Comments »

The Mask

Posted by whenthescapegoatquits on March 24, 2011

I think one of the more frustrating parts of a parent with a personality disorder is the mask or the act they play for others.  I’ve started opening up to some of the people in my family about the fact that my mother and I are estranged.  I recently did so with a stepsister (mother’s side) who I was in limited contact with.  Of course,  I got the whole, your mother loves you very much, speaks lovingly of you bullshit.  It’s just so crazymaking to deal with someone who behaves so differently in private when it’s just the 2 of us or when one of her enablers/apologists is around. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, Healing & Recovery, narcissism | 6 Comments »

Forgiveness and Anger

Posted by whenthescapegoatquits on March 21, 2011

Many times, those of us who grew up with a parent with a Personality Disorder are commanded to forgive or “get over it”.   This is a follow up on a couple of entries earlier I wrote on forgiveness and more forgiveness.     Two interesting links about why ordering us to forgive or “get over it” can be detrimental to our healing & recovery. 

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, Healing & Recovery, narcissism, Parents with Personality Disorders | 13 Comments »

Letter to my Father

Posted by whenthescapegoatquits on March 15, 2011

Dear Dad,

Happy Belated Birthday, we miss and love you.  I really appreciate the fact that you were able to make amends with us and let us know how the thing you really regretted about your alcohol/substance abuse was its effect on your parenting with me and bro.  You still managed to do ok and it means a lot to me that you took responsibility for it and acknowledged it to us.  I know that wasn’t easy for you.  But it’s really helped with healing and being able to move forward.   Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Healing & Recovery, Letters | Leave a Comment »

Letter to my Niece

Posted by whenthescapegoatquits on March 15, 2011

Dear Niece, 

I hope one day we can get to know each other.  More importantly, I hope your parents do a good job of protecting you from the toxic legacy of our family issues.  Wishing you the best and letting you know you have an auntie who loves you!

Posted in Healing & Recovery, Letters | Leave a Comment »

Letter to My Sister-in-Law

Posted by whenthescapegoatquits on March 15, 2011

Another  unsent, but need to let it out letter. 

Dear SIL,

For the specifics of my mother’s actions and your & bro’s exclusion of me from any significant participation in your wedding, please see my earlier letter to bro.  Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Healing & Recovery, Letters | Leave a Comment »

Letter to My Brother

Posted by whenthescapegoatquits on March 15, 2011

I can’t send this out of respect for my brother’s wish for no contact, so I’m going to write it here so I can get out some of the feelings I have about our estrangement.  Also, if I were going to send it, there’d be a need for heavy editing out of a need for diplomacy.   Warning, some foul language.  Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Healing & Recovery, Letters, Scapegoat, Scapegoating, Shaming | 4 Comments »

The Baggage Carousel & Estrangement

Posted by whenthescapegoatquits on March 14, 2011

Growing up with a parent who likely has a Personality Disorder and the surrounding enablers brings to mind the ever popular baggage metaphor.  Only you’re at the  baggage claim area.  The figurative baggage keeps spinning around, you’re trying to claim your own baggage and someone’s likely to get hurt.  All because the parent with the PD refuses to deal with his or her own baggage.  And it keeps spinning around and around and around and around and around.  We can stand by it and get dizzy  or we can get our own baggage and leave the claims area.  And as former scapegoats, we need to learn how to check the luggage tags to see which baggage is ours to claim and which isn’t.  Or use the colorful tags, distinctive bags which allow people to claim their own quickly.   Too often, we end up carrying other people’s baggage and it’s a tough habit to break.

We can’t force the parent with the PD  to claim his or her baggage, we can only claim our own and get away from the carousel.  Though I think just like they do for security purposes, we should be able to confiscate & destroy unattended baggage! 🙂   And there’s probably a lost baggage metaphor in there,  just not sure where! Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Healing & Recovery, Parents with Personality Disorders | Leave a Comment »