I know New Year’s isn’t until next week, but I’ve been reconsidering some old behaviors picked up as coping mechanisms which aren’t working any more and need to change. In particular, overthinking. So I’m making these changes part of my New Year’s resolutions. Also, in a relaxation techniques class I take, the instructor often says during the meditation part to focus on releasing old energy which has served its purpose and we no longer need to make room for new energy. I like this approach and it’s one of my favorite parts of the class.
Growing up with 2 active alcoholics and with a mother who also likely has a personality disorder, along the alcoholism, the environment was unpredictable and chaotic. Even when they both got sober in my 20s, I was still dealing with the befuddlement a Personality Disorded parent can cause.
So, it made sense to overthink and overanalyze everything for my own safety and well being. Also, I’d try to anticipate what I might be blamed for and try to behave in a way where I wouldn’t be blamed/scapegoated. It was an effective way to try and avoid trouble. Things could easily go to the a bad or worst case scenario so it was important to be prepared so I could act accordingly.
But, now that I’m out of that environment, it’s causing me problems. I stress myself out by imagining the worst and I sabotage things by doing so as well as causing myself a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety. And the slightest, littlest thing can set this off. This morning, the bus driver made a comment about another passenger being “dopey”. I didn’t see the behavior of the passenger in question so I can’t say if this is an accurate assessment. My first thought was to wonder if he had an insulting name for me! This is a fairly minor example, but I’m constantly doing this when it comes to work, friends, etc.
The bright side is at least I seem to have a handle on the hostility part of things. I sometimes used to project this onto other people and then get angry at them and accuse them in a nasty tone of what I was thinking! Causing unnecessary arguments and trouble with friendships and other relationships. I really want to get rid of this thinking altogether and I wish I didn’t have this insecurity. But if I had to pick one to get rid of first, I’m glad it’s the hostility! Now, to tackle the insecurity