“Progress always involves risk”

This was the fortune I got in a fortune cookie recently.  I thought it was pretty interesting because I think it explains why I feel a bit uneasy with the changes/transitions which are going on in my life right now.  Like a lot of people who grew up with a PDed parents and/or alcoholics, I’m risk averse.  I like order, I like predictability.  I like routines and schedules.  Continue reading ““Progress always involves risk””

Out with the Old & In With the New

I know New Year’s isn’t until next week, but I’ve been reconsidering some old behaviors picked up as coping mechanisms which aren’t working any more and need to change.  In particular, overthinking.  So I’m making these changes part of my New Year’s resolutions.  Also, in a relaxation techniques class I take, the instructor often says during the meditation part to focus on releasing old energy which has served its purpose and we no longer need to make room for new energy.  I like this approach and it’s one of my favorite parts of the class.  Continue reading “Out with the Old & In With the New”

Christmas and No Contact

Last year, I had finally started to feel better after the cut off initiated by my brother/mother and my fear was that they would break no contact with a holiday card or something along those lines.  They didn’t and I was relieved.  This year, there’s still some residual sadness over the rift.  I’m finding the holiday season rather difficult and I’m looking forward to December 26th!  For some reason, I don’t feel this way about New Year’s, just Christmas.  Continue reading “Christmas and No Contact”

The PDed Parent’s Past and Our Present

One thing I’ve struggled with for years is my sympathy for my mother’s past.  From what I’ve read, most people end up with a Personality Disorder because of trauma in their childhood.  My mother definitely fits that bill.   It’s one of the reasons I let a lot of abusive behavior slide, delayed asserting myself , tried for decades to make things work between us and gave her many second chances.   Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I did so in a way because my conscience is clear that I tried everything humanly possible to have a good mother/daughter relationship with her.   But even though I try to focus on the healing and good growth that is in the present and future for me, I do wonder how much damage trying so hard and for so long did to me.  Continue reading “The PDed Parent’s Past and Our Present”

Handling the Inner Heckler

Many of us who have been scapegoated as children and into our adult life, develop a harsh “critical inner parent“.  This can cause us much anxiety and make us doubt ourselves over every little thing.  It undermines self confidence and makes us afraid to take healthy chances.  I like the  phrase  “inner heckler.”   As I mentioned in a previous post, I actually thought mine was my own voice, until my therapist asked me to listen to it more closely to see if it could perhaps be my mother’s voice.  He was right!

Continue reading “Handling the Inner Heckler”