Whenthescapegoatquits's Blog

A Blog about scapegoat recovery & daughters of narcissistic mothers

Some more letters

Posted by whenthescapegoatquits on July 19, 2009

Felt like writing some more letters

Dear Bro:

Effectively immediately, I’m resigning as your keeper.    When relatives ask about you, I’ll be telling the closer ones that we are no longer on speaking terms and why.  I hope you don’t get yourself into prison ever again, but if you do, I won’t be lying to the family about it again for you. 

And when they ask why don’t call/email in general, I’m just going to tell them to talk to you. 

Dear Mom,

You know, I actually feel sorry for you.  I can’t imagine how miserable it is to be caught up in so much insecurity and self-hatred that you have to project that onto me.  Most mothers try to encourage their kids to be close.  Because they know after the parents are gone, the siblings are the only ones from the Family of Origin who will still be there.  Not you, you had to spread your poison that destroyed our relationship to the ones between me & bro & me & SIL.  Congratulations, you’ve achieved your goal.  We’re no longer speaking any more.  And that means any grandchildren you have won’t have this particular aunt in their life. 

But I guess considering you told your own mom to drop dead shortly before she killed herself, cut out your dad and both your siblings from your life, you think this is normal.  And while I’m angry and grieving at the losses you’ve helped contribute to, once again, I feel pity and sorrow for you.  Because you actually thinked this f**ked up sh** is normal.  It’s not.  And it’s sad that you think it is.  If you could limit the damage to just yourself and I, I could even say I forgive you.  But you had to cut a larger swath of destruction.  I hope you’re satisfied, you pathetic miserable person.

I was willing to forget the past and work on a good future relationship with you.  Or if that wasn’t possible, at least be civil to you while still being a part of bro & SIL’s life.  But none of that was satisfactory to you.  Scorched & salted earth only was acceptable to you.  Well, congatulations, you’ve got it.  But I’m not the only one scorched and salted.  You have scorched & salted everyone around you including yourself and your future grandchildren.  I hurt now, but there are good people around me who I will continue to build community with.  You will continue to isolate yourself even more.  You’ve had falling outs/cutoff with your entire family of origin, most of your good friends & most of your extended family.  You will no doubt continue to cut people out of your life instead of add to it as most people do.  Life does its own subtraction in the form of death.  And sometimes people are too toxic to stay in our lives or we just lose touch.  But you cut people out for merely not being your little puppets.   I truly feel sorry for you.

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3 Responses to “Some more letters”

  1. a new direction said

    I love your letter to your mom! I think I’ll “ditto” that one for me. It does get worse with age & they end up with no one around later in life. It still sickens me to think that a few years back my mom’s church nominated her as “mother of the year”. Had all of this come up then, I think they may have re-thought their decision based on her abuse of her children.

    • whenthescapegoatquits said

      They’re good at keeping the masks on, so the church may have still awarded her anyway. That’s what’s so isolating about having this type of parent. Anna Valerious, the nom de blog of a adult daughter of a Narcissistic mother wrote an excellent blog on the topic of NMs. I have a link here under links, I suggest taking a look at it if you haven’t already.

  2. Sherry said

    Oh, the masks… I was just today, thoroughly chewed out by a family member because I said something truthful about my mother on a facebook page comment. The beginning of my comment showed up as “Sherry says….” on my news feed, family member read it before I could go and hide the link. I totally intended to hide the link, and my mother is online only a couple times a week anyway. So I didn’t mean it for the whole world and knew my mother wouldn’t see it BUT it was nothing my mother and I hadn’t hashed out before, either.

    Regardless, this family member, who knows nothing about what real life is/was like with my mother, and who has only ever heard my mother’s “side” of things (you can imagine!) thoroughly scolded me for talking like that about my mom where she might stumble across it. For saying something that might lead my mother to hurt herself or worse.

    :::sigh:::

    Everyone truly believes my mom is a victim with REALLY awful kids, and a really awful brother, etc. and why are we so mean to this person who just wants to do everything for everyone else and never asks for anything in return?

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